simple refreshment.

i confuse myself. a lot. i'm constantly in conflict between the way i am, the way i want to be and the way i was raised. so, today, i felt like figuring out why i'm so confusing to...myself. maybe this will help you understand me too.

i'm an ESFJ in myers-briggs lingo.

here are some descriptions that i particularly connected with:

"...They have a strong need to be liked, and to be in control. They are extremely good at reading others, and often change their own manner to be more pleasing to whoever they're with at the moment...

"...They may have a strong moral code, but it is defined by the community that they live in...

"...An ESFJ who has developed in a less than ideal way may be prone to being quite insecure, and focus all of their attention on pleasing others. He or she might also be very controlling, or overly sensitive, imagining bad intentions when there weren't any..."

the above quotes basically answer all my questions about me. no wonder i'm so confusing! these words were written about me! i'm sooooo influenced by those around me. i'm like a permanent junior higher. crap.

"...All ESFJs have a natural tendency to want to control their environment. Their dominant function demands structure and organization, and seeks closure. ESFJs are most comfortable with structured environments..."

i guess you can probably tell why i'm so great at my job. it involves high control, organization and structure. hmmmm...sound like any one we know?

"...ESFJs respect and believe in the laws and rules of authority, and believe that others should do so as well...This tendency may cause them to sometimes blindly accept rules without questioning or understanding them..."

oh my word, this one cut deep! just ask bryan about the time we were rollerblading and were about to go on a trail until i saw a sign that said "no wheels." i completely refused to go.

"...ESFJs are people persons - they love people. They are warmly interested in others. They use their Sensing and Judging characteristics to gather specific, detailed information about others, and turn this information into supportive judgments. They want to like people, and have a special skill at bringing out the best in others..."

this very much describes my optimism in people, i have a lot of faith in people. sometimes that is good and sometime i get disappointed.

even though i've known about myers-briggs personality stuff since i was a kid, it's never really affected me that much until now. for some reason, today, it was really beneficial to read the descriptions of who i am. and knowing who i am helps me see what i specifically want to change, or rather, ask God to change.

i think my personality will probably be about the same but i'd like to ask God to change my heart in the following ways:

i want to be less controlling. nobody likes to be controlled (there goes my people-pleasing sensor) but more then that, i know it's not my job to play "god." please, God, help me to trust you and not myself. change my heart and allow me to be led by you and also by my husband.

i desire to be more confident and not so insecure. it is very true that i can easily take things too personally and focus all my attention on pleasing others. this part of me has really wounded me and i'm more insecure then i want to be. this also relates to the moral standards quote. please, God, help me to be confident in all that you have revealed to me by your word. help me to love freely and not hold back because of my own insecurities. you are my rock and foundation, whom shall i fear?

sorry for the somewhat me-centered post, but i'm actually really refreshed by all of this. praise God for simple refreshement!

*for the source of the above quotes, go here.