weak week.

"we can be imperfect christians because we cling to a perfect Christ."
-Gospel Centered Discipleship, pg. 16

i just started reading the above book, and that sentence is just a perfect way to start this blog. i was thankful to read it, as well as many other good one-liners about authenticity.

when i wrote my last post, it was midnight at the end of the hardest day i've had in a long time (obviously). and i really wanted to share how i was feeling. i generally dislike relying on other people (and God) when i need help so in some ways it was a challenge to myself to write about how horrible i was actually doing.

and you know what? after i wrote that post, the rest of the week i felt so...guilty? frustrated with myself? weak? helpless? insecure? at least one of the above, though i'm not sure which one.

it was so difficult to go to salt the following evening and hear from James 1:1-18: joy in suffering. don't get me wrong, i was amen-ing just about everything drew said, but i just kept thinking, really? i'm supposed to be joyful right now? are you kidding me? i honestly had a pretty sassy moment with God about it...

at the same time, i was so convicted by my lack of dependence on Him. it's really stinking obvious that i rely and depend SO MUCH on my husband to de-stress me, encourage me and all around hold me together, isn't it? i mean, my entire blogpost was basically declaring that. several times last week i thought, i don't think i could survive if bryan died, i'm such a wreck right now. and yes, i'm so thankful that i love and miss my husband that much. and i really believe it's glorifying to God when i depend on my husband. but as i continued to feel incredibly alone, God continued to speak to me, I'm here, lisagrace, I'm right here. and He is! but i wan't necessarily ready to be excited about that truth. i still really wanted my husband back.

and that was pretty much my week. i battled the guilt i was feeling for being such an explosive mess of tears and not depending and having joy in Jesus. and i tried to keep my ears open to hear God speaking into me, telling me how much He loves me and how much He wants to hold me. and everyday, it was hard. and everyday, i didn't know if i could handle it.

but you know what i just love? that i don't have to be perfect. so maybe i'm not the picture of "joy in suffering" right now. because if i'm not that, i am a picture of God showing great kindness to a dearly loved child (who is truly acting like a child). in this extreme weakness, i am experiencing God's love more than ever. it's not every day or all the time but in these dark days, i hear Him.

i hear Him say, I am enough. and hearing that from the King makes me start crying almost every time. today, He said in 1 Peter, cast all of your anxieties on me, because I care for you. and in that moment, i truly believed that my Jesus cares for me. and i'm standing in that truth right now, because i'm so, so, so in need of his care right now. when i read that and heard Jesus really say that to me, i felt an arm go around me, and i felt the freedom to cry on His shoulder, and I heard his comforting words speaking into my fears and anxieties and loneliness and sadness.

and maybe to everyone else in the coffee shop, i looked like a girl in the corner sobbing over a book. but to me, all of a sudden i was experiencing the gospel. i was experiencing relationship with Jesus. just me and Jesus, living life together. just me, crying on His shoulder, and just Jesus, speaking truth into my life, because He is always truth.

i have a pretty great life. on a normal day, i have the best husband in the world to comfort me and calm me and lead me. and i have a ton of other great blessings too. every so often though, God brings me these horribly uncomfortable and dark and lonely times to bring me all the way to Him again. i need the darkness to appreciate the light.

so, you know, i'm glad you got a taste of how sad i was last week. because that's me. that's true. and i absolutely should have more joy in Christ, yes, but i didn't last week. i'm glad you know that. i'm glad you prayed for me.

i'm so thankful i have Jesus, because He is moving in my life, even on the darkest of days.


blog it out

well, i had plans to blog a bunch while i'm alone with nothing else to do, but as you may know, i kind-of fall apart when bryan's gone. this time, it's been no exception. up until this past weekend, i really didn't do anything productive, except at work. i've actually been working a lot.

but anyway, today was the worst day i've had so far. i cried or was about to cry the entire day. literally. and i'm here to blog it out, while simultaneously updating you on all of my feelings about everything happening in my life.

we think bryan might get a job offer in seattle. it's still quite up in the air, because the man bryan interviewed with would have to create some sort of position for him, but he really, really seemed to like bryan. (of course he did, my husband is awesome and fantastic and so, so, so amazing) in fact, i'll share what he said about him to bryan's mom (who works at the same company):

"He said that he was really impressed by Bryan, and that Bryan is really mature for his age.  I started to say something about Bryan's hard work, and he acknowledged that, but brushed it aside.  He said that he was impressed by Bryan because he could tell that Bryan really cared about people.  Jim said that in this business, you have just a couple of minutes to gain someone's trust, and that Bryan's caring came through so well and so quickly that in Jim's opinion, Bryan will be very successful, especially as a Financial Planner.  Jim went on to say that he met with another possible candidate right after Bryan, and there was such a difference that he didn't even tell that guy about the job, instead he just talked about careers in finance."

when i read that email from bryan's mom, that was my first good cry about bryan being gone. i was reminded of how awesome he is and how much i love him and that just made me really, really miss him. 

and then i cried when i heard his voice the next morning. that was so good. 

and then i cried when i read the email to our connection group. 

and then i was okay, at least, i wasn't crying. i was surviving. i've received so many offers to hang out, to come over for dinner, to do whatever, and i really didn't feel like doing anything, but i did it anyway and was and am so thankful for and loved by the offers. it was good. 

and then i got to talk to bryan for around 40 minutes. and i cried. a lot. but it was the best thing for me. i realized how much i need to vent and talk through everything with bryan, and i was actually able to do that a little bit last friday. if you can't already tell, bryan is my best friend. he is the only one who truly gets all of me, the good, the bad and the ugly-cries. and i need him to have all of me and hear all my fears and stress and everything. and for a month, i have to deal with all the stress by myself. 

and after a productive and also somewhat trying weekend, i lost my sanity a bit this morning. and it lasted all day. i just couldn't stop crying. i felt so overwhelmed and so alone at the same time. and i know i wasn't alone. in fact, i was surrounded by a staff that cares about me and is praying for me. but i'm without my other half-the one who makes me so incredibly happy when i'm so incredibly stressed. and i just lost it. 

i think i'm just really tired of life right now and my natural inclination is to give up and want some extreme change. so, if i'm honest, i want to move to seattle. because i'm tired. 

but i don't get to choose. i have the privilege of following my husband (who loves me and wants the best for me and hears every fear and struggle i have). 

you can see how bi-polar my thoughts are right now, and you probably aren't surprised at how this mixture of thoughts and life-happenings is causing me to erupt in tears that last an entire day. seriously, my eyes looked bruised with redness underneath them after today. but i'm okay, and i'll make it another 12 days. and i cried in front of everyone i was around. and i got my haircut and i had dinner and watched steel magnolias with holly and eric and that was good. i'm good, but only because God is good and He knows me too. He knows the desires of my heart. and God is leading bryan. and God knows our future. and He is my hope and all i need. 

so there is my depressing blogpost for the week. you're welcome. love you all, thank you for your prayers. and sorry if i cry on you.