blog it out

well, i had plans to blog a bunch while i'm alone with nothing else to do, but as you may know, i kind-of fall apart when bryan's gone. this time, it's been no exception. up until this past weekend, i really didn't do anything productive, except at work. i've actually been working a lot.


but anyway, today was the worst day i've had so far. i cried or was about to cry the entire day. literally. and i'm here to blog it out, while simultaneously updating you on all of my feelings about everything happening in my life.


we think bryan might get a job offer in seattle. it's still quite up in the air, because the man bryan interviewed with would have to create some sort of position for him, but he really, really seemed to like bryan. (of course he did, my husband is awesome and fantastic and so, so, so amazing) in fact, i'll share what he said about him to bryan's mom (who works at the same company):


"He said that he was really impressed by Bryan, and that Bryan is really mature for his age.  I started to say something about Bryan's hard work, and he acknowledged that, but brushed it aside.  He said that he was impressed by Bryan because he could tell that Bryan really cared about people.  Jim said that in this business, you have just a couple of minutes to gain someone's trust, and that Bryan's caring came through so well and so quickly that in Jim's opinion, Bryan will be very successful, especially as a Financial Planner.  Jim went on to say that he met with another possible candidate right after Bryan, and there was such a difference that he didn't even tell that guy about the job, instead he just talked about careers in finance."


when i read that email from bryan's mom, that was my first good cry about bryan being gone. i was reminded of how awesome he is and how much i love him and that just made me really, really miss him. 


and then i cried when i heard his voice the next morning. that was so good. 


and then i cried when i read the email to our connection group. 


and then i was okay, at least, i wasn't crying. i was surviving. i've received so many offers to hang out, to come over for dinner, to do whatever, and i really didn't feel like doing anything, but i did it anyway and was and am so thankful for and loved by the offers. it was good. 


and then i got to talk to bryan for around 40 minutes. and i cried. a lot. but it was the best thing for me. i realized how much i need to vent and talk through everything with bryan, and i was actually able to do that a little bit last friday. if you can't already tell, bryan is my best friend. he is the only one who truly gets all of me, the good, the bad and the ugly-cries. and i need him to have all of me and hear all my fears and stress and everything. and for a month, i have to deal with all the stress by myself. 


and after a productive and also somewhat trying weekend, i lost my sanity a bit this morning. and it lasted all day. i just couldn't stop crying. i felt so overwhelmed and so alone at the same time. and i know i wasn't alone. in fact, i was surrounded by a staff that cares about me and is praying for me. but i'm without my other half-the one who makes me so incredibly happy when i'm so incredibly stressed. and i just lost it. 


i think i'm just really tired of life right now and my natural inclination is to give up and want some extreme change. so, if i'm honest, i want to move to seattle. because i'm tired. 


but i don't get to choose. i have the privilege of following my husband (who loves me and wants the best for me and hears every fear and struggle i have). 


you can see how bi-polar my thoughts are right now, and you probably aren't surprised at how this mixture of thoughts and life-happenings is causing me to erupt in tears that last an entire day. seriously, my eyes looked bruised with redness underneath them after today. but i'm okay, and i'll make it another 12 days. and i cried in front of everyone i was around. and i got my haircut and i had dinner and watched steel magnolias with holly and eric and that was good. i'm good, but only because God is good and He knows me too. He knows the desires of my heart. and God is leading bryan. and God knows our future. and He is my hope and all i need. 


so there is my depressing blogpost for the week. you're welcome. love you all, thank you for your prayers. and sorry if i cry on you.