vicious, vicious cycle

i just want to lay my heart out in writing for a moment.

TRUTH: i have not had much of a desire for Him lately. i haven't enjoyed Him and i haven't really tried to enjoy Him. He is and has been becoming a distant influence on my life-only to be called back when i'm in desperate need.

that sounds more harsh and blunt then i mean it to be. i still love the Creator of me. i love Him with most of my being, but the whole relationship that i know He desires from me just hasn't been happening. and i've been perfectly content with that. i know you know what i'm talking about. i know you been content with this life before. i know there has been a time in your life where you've said to God, "yeah, You're great and all, i know that, but i'm just honestly not getting that cool feeling from You anymore, so i'm going to distract myself with ___________."

well, after almost 12 years of being His daughter, i'm at that place i just described and it's been and very inward struggle of scary, shame, and most of all confusion for the last year or so. where do i go from here? here's the cycle i've been stuck in:

pain > bitterness > guilt > "punishing" myself for my guilt > not understanding God's grace > not wanting to rely on self-discipline because i don't understand God's grace > no discipline and no understanding of God's grace (dang) > guilt (for not being disciplined and for not understand) > "punishing" myself for my guilt > not understanding God's grace > not wanting to rely on self-discipline because i don't understand God's grace > no discipline and no understanding of God's grace (dang) > guilt > etc.

you get the picture. you can see that my excuse for all of this are what i like to call "pain" and "bitterness." but really, that's so lame. i'm so over it, really. i'm just pretending to not be over it so that i can continue to circle around and around and stay stagnant.

but i'm done. "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened by a yolk of slavery." (Gal. 5:1) i'm not a slave anymore, He has set me free and i want to live in that freedom.

are you thinking what i'm thinking? i'm thinking, "well, lg, that sounds great and inspirational and all that jazz but what in the world are you going to do about that verse?" and the truth is: i don't know. i don't understand Him and His grace and His sacrifice, i don't. i can admit that. but i don't want the lack of understanding to trip me up as it has for the last however-long-its-been.

ok, so here's the resolution for the day, because change has to start with a resolution for change. i can't just expect change to happen in my life if i don't resolve to do anything about it. duh to me.

discipline is what i'm starting with, because i need to talk to God about my confusion about His grace. and without the discipline of waking up early, or planning out my day so that i prioritze spending time with Him i don't and won't talk to Him. i literally found myself going to bed one night last week and saying to myself as i glanced at my Bible, "what's another day? who cares if i don't talk to Him today?" duh to me, again. ask me how often i set aside time for Him the next time you see me.

prayer is the priority. real, honest, outspoken prayer coming from the depths of my heart. not pity prayer for my "woe is me" tendencies. but real and big prayer. God gave me such a fun wake-up call this morning. i was in the midst of telling Him all of my current frustration and why i was so mad at Him and stuff and instead of striking me dead because of my ignorant anger at Him, He simply said, "I know. this is what I've been trying to get you to talk about! duh*, lisagrace, I'm the only one who can fix you and who can fix everything else your praying about. (here's the kicker) that's why you pray."
*ok, so maybe God doesn't say, "duh" but that's what it sounded like to me.

duh, duh, duh to me. it's back to the basics for this one (me).

i've been humbled enough that i'm actually ok with that.